Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
