Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
