Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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