Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
