Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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