it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
foreskin is a definite game changer
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
