She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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