Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
