i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
