i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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