if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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