I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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