I have demons in me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
