if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
