Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
birth control should be required to get into college
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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