Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
