I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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