I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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