Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
