If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
