Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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