I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
