My liver just broke up with me...
they need to just BURY HIM!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We need to get me chipped asap
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
