Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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