Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
