In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
