Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
