if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
