i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
