the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
