More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
