I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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