Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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