So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
