She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
