I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
