she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm both gender and math confused
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