Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
