Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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