you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
