I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
