he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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