when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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