Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
