At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
