hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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