The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
