bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
