They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
