also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
